How to Succeed in Business (Without Really Trying) -Billar (IHS)

Knock! Knock! It’s your favorite bitch Faye!! I’m back!! (And in this post I reveal my true identity, but not yet ) So I just saw Ironwood’s production of How to Succeed in Business (Without Really Trying) and let me say Fab-U-Lous! O M G!!! Probably THE BEST production I have ever seen!!!

Haha totally kidding, kiddies. Faye hasn’t gone soft since he last reviewed. That might be thanks to Aaron Arseneault who definitely got me hard as he played the lead of Finch. Can u say SEXYYY?? Gah, I hope he plays for my team!

Anyways, back to How to Suck at Theatre (Because You’re Not Trying). To start with, whose bright idea was it to do a show that is currently on Broadway?? Maybe that pile of dough spent on royalties could have been better used to make a better-than-crappy set.

Continuing, allow me to break it down for ya’:

• If I have to hear one more thing about the horrible rehearsal process, I am literally going to die. Apparently the poor actors were subjected to crappy directing and childish antics. As one actor described the horror, “Billar is like a 12-year-old girl!” Clearly Billar’s once high approval rating has sunk to an all new low, where the only people (freshman) who still “like” him are those kissing his ass for parts. All I have to say is: THANK GOODNESS ALL YOU SENIORS GET TO LEAVE
• I died of laughter when like 100000 people got into the elevator and exited through the back. The amount of movement from the 100000 people passing the traveler curtain made me think there was a T-Rex moving behind it. Needless to say I was waiting the whole show for “the T-Rex scene” that never came…how disappointing
• As usual the useless stage business/blocking was sooooo annoying. Not every girl singing by herself at center stage needs to turn in a cycle in a
  “the hills are alive” style. SO STUPID.
• UMM…Where the hell was Tyler Gasper??? Doesn’t he get casted in every freakin’ show? As much as I wish there was other talent that could avoid him getting the lead in every show, I seriously think this show (made up of a largely male cast) could have used his voice and acting; no matter how snarky he is.
• The song where the girls sang Hallelujah was probably practiced two whole times, how do I know? Because the harmonies were HORIBBLE with a capital “H”
• I am pretty sure Rosemary had no idea what she was saying half the time. Seriously, where is your subtext? She robbed the audience of so much deeper meaning. This wasn’t just a problem for her, but her canned performance was one that I negatively noted.
• We have some “Eager Beavers” when it comes to some of the dance combinations. Many times people would jump the beat to begin dancing which proved embarrassing for them and showed the audience just how dedicated they were to learning the choreography. Rehearsals aren’t the only time to practice kiddies!!!
• Mr. Bratt seemed like he had a stick stuck up his butt for the whole show. There is more than one way to play a scene, you don’t have to be pissy the whole show. This wasn’t just for him either, but once again, the most notable.
• If I was the director I would have cut Brotherhood of Man. WHAT A DISASTER!!! This song was absolutely terrible. Miss Jones failed to put passion towards the role and any “preacher’s wife” vibe was a total miss! The clapping was off and there was serious lack of energy. Thank God for Finch’s final, beautiful note that only somewhat controlled the damage
• I know I’ve been loving on Finch for a lot of the review, but that’s not really based on his performance, he still was mediocre and fake acting-wise to say the least. The only thing he has going for him is that he isn’t tone-deaf, which I can’t say for all the cast.
• All I have to say is: Pit band    SHUT UP!
• My last huge thing: CONTENT!!! Holy Bologna!! I can’t believe how much this show got away with. The celebration of adultery, numerous profanities and innuendos (Erector set? really??) were RIDICULOUS. Ironwood has certainly come a long way from not being able to say “beer”. I’m guessing when the principal approved this show he just did a find on the script for “penis”, “vagina” and “f***”. Happy to say they didn’t go quite that far.

IDENTITY REVEALED: If you scrolled down to read my true identity, you are SO DUMB!!! You already know I am your loyal, ridiculously honest, favorite gay, FAYE! And as much as you say that I’m a disgusting whore for writing these cut-throat reviews, you know I’m your favorite bitch. It’s been awesome writing for you and I hope you’ve been throughly entertained. Last post (besides responding to your comments, which I promise to do) so GOODBYE LOVERS!!!

-FAYE

PS, Which bitch was your favorite? (me, duh! haha) Take the poll and let us know:

OHH and PLEASE let us know what you think by commenting:

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying – Ironwood High School

You’re favorite little sailor, Finny is baaaaack! Aight bitches! You heard Faye! Back for our grand finale, this will be the last you hear of your favorite bitches! Okay okay so let’s get right down to it: EXPECTED BETTTTTER! lawlz.

Let me start out by giving you a picture: a picture of a musical in which only two people can carry a tune. I mean come on. I know Ironwood has more talent than what was shown in this bitch! If it hadn’t been for Finchy and Smitty I would have died. I mean really! Isn’t that some kind of requirement to be able to sing when auditioning to be a lead in a musical. Maybe it’s our favorite little director, Billar, getting settled in his new position as main director at Ironwood but it really can’t be that different! And before I get down to the nitty gritty, did anyone else think they saw more than a few Sunrise kids in this production? I swear I was going crazy cause I saw those bitches in stuff at Sunrise and now you follow Billar to Ironwood?! DESPERATE! DESPERATE! I AM REALLY DESPERATE! Are you really that pathetic that you can’t learn how to work with a new director so you switch schools? Pull it together bitches!

Okay I’ll start with the stuff I noticed first:

1) Finch was cuuuuuuute! Good casting for sure!

2)  Costumes confused me on the time period! I swear I saw stuff from the 50′s all the way to the 70′s in silhouette and style, which doesn’t seem like much but that’s 30 years of different styles! Can we try and keep in one of the decades? If only for my sanity babes!

And the singing thing really was a big problem for me. It wasn’t even secluded to the leads either! Usually in a high school show you either have a bitchin’ ensemble or kick ass leads but this show had… neither. The problem with having a freshman heavy ensemble (while I love giving the babies a chance to fly) is that you’re male ensemble ends up sounding like their balls haven’t dropped yet. Sorry hun! Had to be said! Even the good singers (all two of them) had problems with annunciation though! Sometimes I had no damn idea what was happening because the words, while at least being on key, were total baby food (mush)!

I definitely had some subtext and character dimension issues too! Even if your character is about as deep as a cardboard cut out, you get your ass out there and make it seem like a real, living person. It’s called acting. Look to the kid who played Bud Frump for a fair example of that, but don’t look into his singing: there’s nothing to find baby! I think the ensemble should have given some of their enthusiasm for character development to some of the leads because they had just too damn much of it. You’re in ensemble: stop acting like you’re important.

I feel like there needed to be a solid 5 more rehearsals before this went out, something that was blatantly obvious when things like the whistling in one of the songs fell flat on it’s ass and the cast couldn’t even clap to the same beat together.

Rosemary bored the shit out of me with her bland character work and Miss Jones made me laugh so hard with her voice that reminded me of a female (barely) version of the caterpillar from the Disney version of Alice In Wonderland.

Also mad props to the baby how played Mr. Gatch, I love love that his character was sent to Venezuela and then when he had to be in a male ensemble scene after that (probably from the lack of strong male voices) he was scene painting on a fake mustache so he wouldn’t be recognized. It’s little things like this that make me love high school shows.

And I can’t believe I didn’t mention this before but: This show was absolutely filthy. I mean fine for our audience probably but I could not believe they preformed this to a middle school audience earlier in the day! I mean from talks of Playboy to ass pinching (don’t mind if I do!) I just couldn’t believe they were allowed to do this unedited! Ironwood has notoriously had to censor some great lines because they were too risqué (maybe it was an Akers thing?) so I was completely shocked at the “goddamn”s and “what the hell”s that were allowed.

Okay last thing before I wrap up: TIME PERIOD. When things happen that are out of time period, it drives this bitch cray cray. I’m sorry I didn’t know they had powerpoint in the 60′s (that is when the show is set right?)! It’s such an easy thing to fix too! Make the little shuttery sound that the old slide show projectors would make! SO SO SO EASY. It just makes you look lazy. Also the video with the treasure girl could have been made older looking and possibly not on campus (campy anyone?), but the powerpoint was a bigger problem for me. I know you wanted to use your new mounted projector toy, Billar, but I’m genuinely afraid you’re going to force it into every future show. A fact kind of proven by the shitty movie theater trivia before the show that was projected on a curtain MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO READ.

Overall: While a nice base for a show, it needed some real singer/actors in the cast and at least 5 more rehearsals before I would watch it again. If I have to focus this hard to try and figure out the decade, you’re not doing your job right.

P.S. Faye is such a petty little bitch but vote for me for favorite bitch I guess?

The Fiddler on the Roof- PUSD Summer Theatre

Faye here: Wow, two in one day, I am on a roll! So let me just say that based on the last performance that Vines directed I had the lowest expectations on what could be achieved in 4 weeks of rehearsal time. [Oh and just fyi, one of the concerns was that I didn’t have a “good night” of watching Cinderella. So just for you my dear, I went to all the nights! So dispel that idea right away.] Either way, one sentence to describe this show:

Most unnecessarily long, piece of crap production, and stagnant show I have ever had the displeasure of viewing for three terrible nights.

I felt like Finny was a bit of a softy on this show, so let’s see if I can back that statement up with some of my issues with the show:

–>Worst set changes ever! For goodness sake! Is that a convention of a Vines production, to have a rotating set that takes a god-awful amount of time to move? Seriously, waste of my time and I feel bad for the poor piano player who is trying to play some lame transition music for like 5 freakin’ minutes!

–>As for the actual set…no widows, no “homey touches”. Gah! From the outside it looked like an 1800’s asylum or something creepy like that. I get it that they are poor, but even Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory had a house that looked “homey”. RIDICULOUS! And the door…what excellent stagecraft *sarcasm*

–>Lines Lines Lines. Seriously the most stagnant production in regard to the use of tactics, objective, motivation and the such. I’m pretty sure that the matchmaker and a few others were reading the script off their hands because there was literally no connection with anything they were saying. Maybe the matchmaker was just seeing how fast and unclear she could say her lines, I don’t know. Plus a lot of rookie mistakes in stepping on laugh lines and messing up lines and then stopping with a look of panic on their face. Seriously, we already know you messed up now just keep going and recover! My favorite part was the anticipation of lines and who would be singing next. I get it that people don’t usually burst out into song in real life, but that’s what acting is, not real life. However, you have to make it seem “AS IF” it were. So when an actor says “I see (insert name here) coming up the road right now”. You sure as hell better have turned your head and “seen” that person coming up the road! [Unless you have eyes in the back of your head, which I doubt.]

–>Small but important note that I totally stole from Finny. Walk like your character! And yes, I am also calling out the little gymnast/dancer girl who totally walked like it (matchmaker).

–>Stage business. Let’s be honest, there was a lot of stage business in the show. However, so much of it looked calculated and unmotivated that it completely looked fake. Go pick up the bread from the cart “AS IF” you actually want it, not just because someone blocked it that way. Reactions to something new in the show were absolutely hilarious. Everyone looked so incredibly fake and cheesy I couldn’t help but laugh. [And I am not even sure that half of you all know what mozeltoff even means. Either way it was an overused expression. Learn some other expression. PLEASE!]

–>Theatre has hit a major problem as of recent. Everyone keeps getting casted in the same types of roles or they keep playing the characters the same no matter what differences in circumstances there may be. The following people are those I consider to have gotten stuck in this rut:

Motel- I felt like I was watching Seymour from Little Shoppe of Horrors again. When he was talking to Tzeitel it was the same as when he was talking to Audrey. And when he was talking to Tevye (when Tevye was not happy with him), it was like he was talking to Mushnik again. Seriously, the lines were delivered exactly the same and the entire characterization was Seymour all over again. Maybe it was because he was wearing the glasses again? Idk, but the kid needs to get it together.

Perchik- Same issue, I was watching a mix of Aladdin and Peter (Anne Frank) all over again. The cute little love interest is apparently your calling as an actor. But can you do anything else or add any depth to your characters? Or are you completely a one-trick-pony…

Lazar Wolf- I saw way too much of Belle’s father in this character, which is really strange considering they do not share a lot of similarities in overall character type. Once again, get it together.

These were just the three most obvious. I just find it an issue when people are not growing as actors after each show that they do and fault in those that don’t appear to be trying.

–>The choreography and dancing was pretty bad in regard to spacing and the lame ending poses. I felt like I was watching a cheesy dance concert. Oh, and just like in Cinderella, some basic blocking knowledge was missing. The idea of “cheating out” was practically non-existent. That’s basic acting, I can’t believe the director didn’t catch it and fix it. And incorporated in the blocking was walking backwards…a big no-no. Oh and I know what you are thinking to make it ok, and let me assure you that it wasn’t artistic or functional walking backwards. It was walking backwards to hit a blocking mark.

–>It was super tacky when the light cues would go while the person was still talking. It was like they were trying to rush the show and cut the time down because it was already so dang long! Which on a certain level…I appreciated.

–>As for the music and the singing, the tempos were some of the slowest I’ve ever heard those songs taken at. And the singing….I was literally not impressed with practically anyone. Harmonies were sucky and Golde, I don’t know what was up with her singing technique. Pretty much any note that was held longer than one beat went flat immediately. It was absolutely the most irritating thing especially during the already difficult harmonies. The bad signing could be attributed to the quality of the sound amplified by her mic, but let’s not fool ourselves, the mic can only amplify the sound that is already coming out. It doesn’t distort it that much.

–>Furthermore in regard to the singing: Hodel had the most nasally sound I’ve ever heard while the upper registers of Perchik was practically unbearable. Matchmaker aka Yente epitomized the definition of a breathy sound.

–>Fruma Sarah. I feel like you have a future in a parody of the show Wicked. When you entered I immediately heard “Then with a jealous scream, the wicked witch burst from concealment, where she had been hiding…” in my head. Oh and I said “parody”, because your voice is way to pitchy to make it in Wicked. Gurl puh-leeze!

–>Tzeitel, at least pretend that you are holding a real baby. You smacked its head on the sewing machine. What an abusive mother! Motel was more careful with the baby than you.

–>It was super awkward each time Tevye was talking to one of his daughters and a male while they were in tableau, because instead of using that as an aside situation he talked to them like they were not frozen in time. Super awkward for the audience to watch.

–>Don’t use recognizable people for two characters that are wildly different. I would be referring to the Russian/Jewish kid. Like seriously, he can’t just put on a hat and now I think he’s a different character. Was the talent pool that depleted?

Last three notes (not that I didn’t have wayyy more):

1-they got laughs the cheapest way possible. stupid.

2-I love that everyone in this show had special powers to walk through walls and nothing was defined in their scenery and the indication of different set pieces were unclear. I literally think that the director had no idea what she was doing when she blocked this show. Maybe she didn’t even block the show and just told people to do whatever. Or maybe she didn’t even read the script because she was too busy cutting prayer cloths. I don’t know, but I will scream a loud “GET IT TOGETHER SISTA’!”

 3-I thought it was pretty cheap, tacky, distasteful, etc. to advertise for the director’s own summer theatre program in the program for the PUSD summer theatre. It was unprofessional. I can’t even express how inappropriate I thought it was.

Concluding-

Although Pippin sucked a big one, Fiddler sucked an even bigger one (if that is even possible). It was a rookie director and a rookie cast that put on a sub-rookie performance. Easy as that. I hope they learned something, and once again, better luck next year.

Pippin- PUSD Summer Theatre

Hi ya’ll! Don’t worry, your favorite little biotch Faye is back to dish about the latest summer theatre disaster known as Pippin (aka a waste of 2 hours of my life).

Pippin is an amazing show and without an amazing director, it turns into a huge pile of disgusting elephant dung. I’m afraid that this director just wasn’t up to the challenge of a 3 week rehearsal time. The only mediocre parts of the production were the lights and the choreography. Everything else was a huge yawn.

Acting and Singing-First of all, why am I seeing this same kid in every single male lead? Goodness Gracious! Soon he will start getting the female leads too!! I guess it doesn’t matter that much, but the little biotch who played Pippin, seriously underwhelmed me this time around. It was such a static performance. But the person who was truly the epitome of “white noise” was the little girlie who played Fastrada. She certainly failed to spread any form of sunshine with her terrible acting and singing. Any comic moment was made a complete blunder with her lack of comic timing and ability to play off a joke. Like the stupid “grand plie”, what a joke! (And not in a funny way) Seriously, at some point during the rehearsal process, the director wasn’t like, “hmm…I think we should re-block that because it’s NOT FUNNY!”? Stupidity. Anyways, going down the rest of the main cast list,

Lead Players- Female was a total hussy in that dress that was way too short for her to wear on stage. I think she was going to her job as Le Girls after the show. Male…what can I even say? FLAT FLAT FLAT and can’t harmonize worth a damn.

Charles- Funny. Perhaps the only person I found to be hitting all the comic parts with pizzazz.

Lewis- Seeing as he is supposed to be so muscular and warrior-like it may have been wise to hit the gym every now and then in preparation for the role. You looked like a weakling. Either way, totally hit me up! You’re a sexy little beast!!

Berthe, Catherine, and Theo- Lame. Lame. Lame. Get some acting and singing lessons ALL of YOU!

Costumes- Why do I feel like the ensemble costumes were nothing more than a quick raid of Savers and Goodwill? Seriously, some people actually took the time to research characters from Commedia Del Arte and some people looked like Les Miserables from last year’s summer theatre. If I saw one more peasant skirt and white/cream button-down I was going to scream!! Put some time into your character even if you are just ensemble. The rest, not completely disappointing. Although I totally think that Catherine’s costume not coming off at the end of the show is hilarious. What? You couldn’t at least take off that hideous paisley vest? Whatever.

Set- I get where it was going, but sadly it didn’t reach the destination (which is incomprehensible because it was on wheels… But I was wondering, did they have the director’s four-year old daughter come in to paint this set too? (I say “too” because I am pretty sure she did the set for Arsenic and Old Lace at Sunrise Mt.). Better Question: Ever heard of stencils? They help make letters not look like total ridiculousness. As for those arch things, ever think to hem the fabric? They were totally fraying and looked tacky.

Sound- I’m not even going to go there. But might I suggest that you perform some sort of African Voodoo so that it doesn’t have to suck every single show. Goodness, I am so sick of schools having crappy sound. FIX IT BIOTCHES!!

Lights- Although the overall lighting design was impeccable, the follow spots made me want to launch myself through a glass door. Seriously. Announcement from Faye: EVERY THEATRE EVER: STOP USING FOLLOW SPOTS!!! They look so tacky and they are usually too big or too small and then have to be adjusted. Or they don’t actually follow the person or they don’t focus on the person to start off with and they just look absolutely retarded. So please, as a personal favor to Faye, stop using them at every single opportunity.

Anything else is not really worth talking about. Conclusion Time:

Pippin is a hard show to do in 3 weeks and I’ve tried to give some grace. But seriously, they may have just wanted to do Seussical Jr. instead to avoid the embarrassment and awkwardness of all the failed laugh-lines and technical elements. Better luck next year.

Fiddler On The Roof – PUSD Summer Theatre (Vines)

Dudes, shoulda been Akers. Just off the bat, gotta say it.

Now for those of you dedicated (or masochistic) readers, you know that Faye and I did not digg our last Vines themed adventure (depending on what you define as “enjoy”) so I went into this with some pretty low expectations. I knew some people might be good, but I know a lot were going to bad. Well the good people were even better than I thought they were going to be and the bad were… well, still pretty bad, but it didn’t dump on the good too much which is good.

The fine ass men in this show rocked it with their… well, you get the picture. Like straight up kudos to Tevye who carried this show on his damn back! His singing, while not phenomenal, fit his character perfectly. I think after that I woulda been pissed as hell if he sang any better! But it was the wominz in this show that rained on this bitch’s parade. The only girlies that knew how to both sing and act (most of the time) were the three main sisters. And the oldest one, while being the best female actress in that show, seemed to have a really rough time transitioning to head voice, making it really hard to tell if it was just this or if she really couldn’t sing. Now Golde. Ooooh Golde. Why were you cast the way you were cast? Because you looked the part? I guess. Isn’t really hard to look like a frumpy, unhappy, russian-jewish housewife though. I don’t get it. Did you get cast for the acting? No, she sounds like she was a 16 year old girl in a mall for most of her lines. No substance. No depth. No character. Did you get cast for the singing? Seriously doubt it. The debuts she had with Tevye were completely thrown off by her lack off… well… pitch. The most painful scene (literally this felt like when I was shanked in downtown LA that time I had too many appletinis) was when she was taking with the matchmaker. Now the matchmaker has no idea what acting is. I’d be surprised if she knew it existed at all. I had no idea how old she was, which ticked this little unhappy camper off, and there was a complete lack of jewiness! I understand if you can’t do the accent (trust me: been there, lit that chicken on fire) but to sound like you’re a 13 year old gymnast (and walk like one too) is a complete diss to any kind of character that you been cast as! So the two of them together? I could feel the tears of thespis pourin from the damn heavens. I think these are the thoughts that went through their heads: “hey maybe if we talk really fast in our everyday voices, people will think that we can actually act!” The truth is: couldn’t understand the hoes! Didn’t want to! I wanted a giant cane to come on stage and pull them off like Michigan J. Frog!

Ensemble was pretty good altogether, but if they ever got separated into sections I couldn’t hear a thing. Set was actually fairly impressive for the amount of time, but some of the stuff was already built, they just used it, and there weren’t as many sets to build as there were in say, Pippin. Also the sound was too loud sometimes. And, I don’t care for much of the music in the show. But this bitch likes him a good dancing Russian and of that there were plenty, well, three, but plenty for me. Props to the boyz that had to learn that!

Overall: Powerhouse male performances, not so much from the chickies. Didn’t make too much of an impression. Not outstanding, but definitely not bad. Exceeded expectations, but mainly because the boyz blind-sighted me.

(Post note after Faye’s article: I completely agree on the inappropriateness of advertising for your own theater program in the program of another show that had nothing to do with it. I was super pissed by that, but forgot it while writing the review. I can understand some advertising if you want a super awesome program like the ones they have at Brophy, but putting your own stuff in is just completely unacceptable. Get a clue Vines. Oh and sorry I missed all the technical stuff, my bad!

Pippin – PUSD Summer Theatre (Billar)

Hey gurl hey!  I know whatcha thinking: “OMG it’s been forever since Finny and Faye have given us the low down on high school theater!” Well that’s because we didn’t have nothing to critique! But finally PUSD summer theater is here and all is right with the world. (by the way if you ever want us to come to a show and trash it up, give these bitches the time and place and we’ll totally try and get our asses over there!)

Anyway! Pippin. Okay so I actually didn’t know too much about this show except bits and pieces of what I heard from others, but I actually really like the concept. This bitch be all about the abstract! But that isn’t what this post is about. Wouldn’t you know I liked this production more than most of the shit I watched this season?! And these peeps only had two weeks worth of rehearsals! Damn!

So first off I would like to give a shout out to our favorite prince here on Two Bitches One Ticket! That’s right. Everyone give a warm round of applause, or at least throw a tomato you put in the microwave, for our Cinderella Prince and his great return to the stage! Now in Pippin princey played… well… a very similar character. Two dimensional, lifeless, but at least this time it was intended? (at least by the director anyway). He played Luis or Lewis or something like that, and boy did I wish he loved consonants as much as he loved himself. It’s called projection, don’t make me get up there and put a bullhorn up to yo mouth just so I can comprehend what you are asayin’. Once again couldn’t sing and blah blah blah. I’m bored just talking about him. Now talking about being underwhelmed, Charlemagne’s wife. Was she talking? Oh I didn’t notice because I was starring at a fig tree, because that shit was more entertaining then listening to her. The only time I was actually inclined to pay attention to her was when Charlemagne was talking because that bitch was hilarious. True, he didn’t have no beard of white like I was taught freshman year in history class, but that hoe got the job done RIGHT. While I’m in a good mood and talking about the good shit, I guess I should talk about how impressed I was (come on this is RARE people) with the four people I considered the leads of the musical: Pippin, the leading players, and Charlemagne. Pippin was kind of the shit. I honestly didn’t have the highest expectations but that shit blew me away. Morning Glow? I jizzed my pants. With the ensemble and everything? It gave this bitch goosebumps! (You’re not off the hook yet, ensemble! I’m acomin’ for you!) And the leading players: damn those bitches were fierce! I wanted me a damn sparkly hat and some coat tails. My only complaint there was that sometimes, or a lot of the time, the guy would go flat. Breathing problems? This bitch don’t know! Either way he seemed to work it anyway and pull out what he could. And the hoe of the two could work it up to Van Buren and back. Not in a bad way either! I swear that girl smoked a Jeffery before getting on stage and I loved every damn second. Work it gurl!      Now the ensemble… their singing was good, but sometimes I just wanted a little energy! And I got: goose egg. Don’t get me wrong there were times when I could feel it (Morning Glow!!) but other times, even though I reallllly wanted to, I didn’t (No Time At All!). Also, when I found out the ending and thought about it, I really wished they had been a little bit… creepier? throughout the whole show, not just at the end. They had the make up! It was the substance that went a little limp dicked on me.

Costumes? Check. Lighting? Check. Sound? Eh, about as good as it’s gonna get with a high school sound system (with a little extra feedback). Set? See that’s where I was a little depressed. I know I know. The classic summer theater set excuse: no time! But I wanted that bitch to be a little more polished. It looked slightly messy. Ok it was a hot tranny mess, but I shoulda expected it.

Oh yeah and the dancing was the shit. I respect that. Mainly cause I can’t do it. Props. Word to ya motha.

Overall: Surprisingly good! Good casting and performance of lead roles, it’s just the rest of that it that could’ve used some minor work! And back to $5 shows; praise Jesus!

Two Bitches Respond.

People say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but we all know that’s not true. Based upon this title, was it not evident that this site was going to be two bitches talking about something (hopefully it didn’t take long for you to realize what we were talking about…Theatre!)? When you read the title of this blog, the choice was yours whether or not you wanted to read it. So all 783 of you didn’t have to actually read this blog. Oh and we actually are technically considered to be professional theatrical people, and we, in real life, have extensive credits for theatre both on and off-stage (just for the record).
So what was this whole thing about? Was it just to rip on the shows, especially the ones at schools that we have a supposed “rivalry” with? Was it because we were bored and have nothing better to do with our lives besides sit at our computer? Was it because we were smoking something? Was it because we are just plain mean? Why?

Congratulations, you’ve officially been part of a social experiment. There were two purposes for this blog, the first of which being to critique the critics in a playful way and the second being a wake-up call to those that want to go into the theater world but aren’t prepared to take the criticism that comes with it. Critics often rip shows apart, like we have done in this blog, and fail to see the artistic value and the positive aspects of each show. They don’t relate other outstanding factors to the success of a high school’s show (i.e. newness of campus, talent pool, etc.). Instead they just say the harshest comments possible for shock value. We never said anything that wasn’t true, although we did exaggerate it. In contrast, those that participated in the show should also have the maturity and mental acumen to realize that every critic is going to have their own opinion and rebuking it as you have done only shows your immaturity in the situation. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen! This is high school theater, not your third grade soccer team. Your show is going to be bad mouthed and rather than becoming a hot mess, it would be much better advised to take the criticism with a grain of salt and move on with your life. If you want to work in the theater industry and just gave a gut response on this blog: Congratulations! You will never succeed.
And just one last note, if you took this blog personally you really shouldn’t have. You may have only read the blog about your school, but if you took the next few seconds to read the other few reviews you would have become quickly aware that we didn’t write practically anything positive about any show. So don’t take this too seriously.
When we started writing this blog, we had no intention of making it anything more than a funny site for people to read and laugh at. What you all ended up posting and telling us, or people we know, was far crazier than we expected. A lot of people took it way to seriously, when you don’t even know us, why do you care so much about our opinion and what we wrote? It’s not our job to police you and how you handle criticism, but when you chose to read this blog, you decided to become a part of this whole “social experiment” and that was your choice. If you are serious about the art and fighting for what the very essence of theatre is, then take this as a quick warning about what you are personally immature about and need to work on for when times like this come up in your own professional career.
So in the next few weeks we will be reviewing a few shows. When you read them, take a moment to realize the absurd qualities instead of just getting upset. When you take this attitude, you may even chuckle about some of the things we wrote.
We couldn’t help ourselves, below is Faye and Finny’s responses to the comments you all posted:

Finny: To “Leather baybeh”. Your name is dis-turb-ing. And a course you ain’t seen my ass on a stage! This shit is ANONYMOUS. See I can capitalize shit too! For all you know you’ve seen me on stage and said I was the best thing your eyes had ever seen!

Finny: To “hayleeanne”. DID YOU JUST SPELL THESPIANS WRONG? AH HELLL TO THE NAH. THIS DID NOT JUST OH-CCUR! Gurl get yo’self to a dictionary! And can you read? I did not say that she was “too mean” or nothing like that. I said that she was a terrible actress and didn’t have a cohesive character. B’okay I don’t remember if I said that, but I implied it!

Finny: And for all the haters talking all up in my grill about budget cuts: yeah we know bitches. We had budget cuts too. But I know for a fact that other schools will let you borrow costumes if they’re not using em and if you live your life talking out of your ass through excuses, bitches and hoes: you ain’t going NOWHERE. Where there’s a will, there is a damn way.

Finny: To “KC” and “beentherebefore”. If I am not worth it, then why did you spend it? If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it bitches!

Faye: To “Bob Stanislavski Broke My Heart” Thank you for taking this in the way it was meant. Gold star for you sugar!

Faye: To “Heather”, First off, are you kidding me? Her name isn’t Ann, it’s Anne. I can tell you’ve done your research *sarcasm*…Anyways, the only thing I said was “And Anne stop pretending to be awkward and sad (how sad that I can’t even call it acting, but instead pretending)!”. I didn’t attack her portrayal of the character, I attacked her acting technique. If you can’t recognize “pretending” vs. “acting” you might want to go see a good show sometime and then compare. It’s really evident when people are pretending. And you might find this funny, but I already did the show and a heck of a lot of research for my part. So honey, I guarantee I know this show better than you.

Faye: To “Tac”, honey, I am diggin’ your name and that you want to stand up for your friends. Let me help you, people who write reviews on shows are called Critics (here’s the phonetic spelling if you need help: krit-ik. And feel free to look up the definition, hint: it has something to do with criticizing). I don’t sit on the computer all day, and even if I did why the heck do you care? You’re apparently on the computer too. Reality check: the show wasn’t great and I do have a life. Enjoy yours and I’ll enjoy mine.

Faye: To “Megan”, I LOL-ED at that! Thank you so much!! You made that review worth writing.

Faye: To “Peyton Geery”, thanks for the props on our writing ability, love ya boo! I am so happy that you got it! I know you and have a lot more respect for you and your opinion now. You honestly surprised me and to a certain extent I agree with you, but it was all in how people chose to react to this blog. Keep following us bitches.

Faye: To “Spenser” (Cinderella), love your name it makes me think of Spenser and Heidi Montag, otherwise known as “Spidi” J Watch The Hills bro! Here is a thought: DO A LESS EXPENSIVE SHOW or find areas to cut production costs. Think about it, you may have got more people by charging less. And Cheers? I hope you aren’t drinking yet, you’re in high school therefore not legal.

Faye: To “Spenser” (Secret Garden) Back again? As already stated we don’t state any of the positives so you may have liked the show. But now you’ll never know. And I believe someone has been talking to Ms. Vines about the accent thing. But I liked that you tried to play it off you look you were so researched and educated haha  However, if you listen to an Irish accent tape and a Yorkshire accent tape, they sound different in many ways. We ripped on everything we could, so take a chill.

Faye: To “Bryttani”, that’s weird, because I am a professional. Guess I am right. Pointing out the positive would defeat the purpose and yes, we are like most critics (on purpose…). I don’t have any problem with the first part of this comment. It’s the part about seeing it on “bad day”. High school theatres should strive to be professional, do you think professional theatres ever get a break from putting on their best show yet? Heck no! If it was a bad day then I question your very philosophy of what exactly theatre is about. Oh and I am still deciding if the last part of the comment is jealousy that the stepmother was actually almost a positive part of the show.

Faye: To “Wiiiiiskaaaay”, I know it was Finny’s article that got all the comments on grammar, but you should know that we both have taken college English courses and are probably way ahead of you. Perhaps you are confusing our personas with our actual selves.

Faye: To “Rachel Rice”, I like the foxy alliteration in your name. Anyways, we mentioned everything because that’s the point of this blog. There you go. And the singing was not fine, quite literally, it was NOT GOOD. And a school full of mini Justin Timberlakes would be frighteningly terrible too, so no thank you to that. Funny, that you ask me to “Get up on a stage with a money budget & a lot of kids to direct…” because I actually  just did that. So yes, on a scale of 1-10 I get it on a 20. You’re Welcome!

Faye: To “Leather baybeh” Already in college, wayyyy ahead of you sista’/bro (idk?).

Faye: To “Stune Choppa” LOVE YOU!

Faye: To “hayleeanne” did you play Cinderella’s stepmother? Im just curious because of your valiant sticking-up for whoever played her…I don’t really care, I was just wondering, because of all the things Finny picked on in that review that was the least of the show’s worries. Oh and note to you: THESPIAN…haha that made me laugh like nuts I honestly hope you aren’t part of the society yet. Were all those people in the show International Thespian Society members? They need to be evicted if so, because there were definitely some people who should not have been inducted. Not everyone though.

Faye: To “beentherebefore”, the point of theatre is to not only accept the praise but also the criticism that helps to make performances better. If you only take one side of the coin you’ll never be successful. Unless if you are perfect….then you need more help than I am willing to write. Oh and fyi, I don’t need someone to critique me harshly because I already am my own worst critique if anyone can out-critique me, then they are doing a social experiment blog

Faye: To “KC”, I flippin’ love your fake email address! Don’t worry, it’s not we would ever email a hater.

Faye: To “beentherebefore” (2^nd comment), welcome back. Why revisit the site if it’s not worth your time or energy? You’re a funny kid. I like you already. Oh, but we are not better than everyone else we just critique harder than anyone would to people’s faces.

SO those are all the comments we wanted to respond to, which was pretty much all of them. Thanks so much for writing and commenting (even if most of you are haters, we still love you!) Keep em’ coming!  Thank you! And as we say in our “About You” Mission Statement-y Thing:

We are two flamboyant ass bitches critiquing the high school plays and musicals from around the phoenix metro area. We are harsh. Get over it.